Don't Drink the Bleach
by Horo-Emptiness
Summary: How many ways are there for the Bleach cast to die? Lots, apparently. An 1000 Ways to Die parody consisting of mostly oneshots. Rated M for stupidity.
1. 1- DEATHNOTE

...

_A/N-_ I'm sorry. I just had to do it. XD

_Disclaimer-_ I don't own anything, especially not of the copyrighted sort. These guys at the library are giving me and my nakedness some pretty odd looks...

_Warnings for the story-_ Character death (well, duh), blood/gore, swearing, possible minor sexual situations, black humor, and idiots doing stupid stuff. Don't say that I didn't warn you. (I will give extra warnings as needed, though.)

* * *

Don't Drink the Bleach

-DEATHNOTE

(OP- 11/30/12)

...

"Now," Juha Bach started, flexing his arm and glaring at his opponent malevolently. "You shall die by my hands, Ichigo Kuro-_gack!_"

Ichigo tilted his head curiously as the man across from him suddenly grabbed at his chest, gasping in pain. He frowned and stepped forward as he kneeled over and laid motionless on the ground.

The substitute shinigami poked at the older male with the tip of his sword before chuckling lightly.

"Well, that's what happens when you get older, I guess," he said, sheathing Zangetsu on his back and walking away from the man who had just been struck down by a heart attack.

_Meanwhile..._

Tokyo, Japan

The black notebook was closed as a smirk graced its brown-haired owner's features.

"Just as planned," Light Yagami declared, causing Ryuk to look up.

"You kill another anime character?"

"Yep."

* * *

_A/N-_ Too perfect. XD

Wanna see more? I've got about five chapters on my computer now, with about, eh, five or six more betas lying around my room. I just have to type them.

Reviews help the process~


	2. 2- Ouickicide

_A/N-_ Hmm... I'll post double this time. Look down the screen to see why.

_Disclaimer-_ Still don't own anything, though I did find some pants.

* * *

Don't Drink the Bleach

-Ouickicide

(OP- 12/1/12)

...

The Fullbringers died. The end.

* * *

_A/N-_ To be honest, I really don't like these guys. I mean, they were cool and all and I'm sure that they'll help out in the TYBW, but... their arc just didn't seem to flow right, if you know what I mean. Sorta like a band-aid for the plot... And why the heck are they in Soul Society? Is Hell broken or something?

...Please forgive my rant. (-.-;


	3. 3- So Horny

_A/N- _Happy birthday Ulquiorra! In celebration, you get to help out in this chapter! (Not sure if he would want to or not, though... Probably not.)

_Disclaimer-_ I finally found my way home, so I do own stuff now. Just not anything copyrighted.

* * *

Don't Drink the Bleach

-So Horny

(OP- 12/1/12)

...

Grimmjow and Nnoitra were playing keep away at the moment. With Ulquiorra's book.

"Give it back, trash," the shorter Arrancar demanded, resisting the urge to just knee them both in the groin.

"Make us," Nnoitra drawled, tossing the book to Grimmjow. Ulquiorra calmly followed its path.

"Whatcha gonna do?" the punk sneered, happy that he could annoy him.

The Cuatro simply raised his finger and began to charge a cero.

"Oh hell no!" Nnoitra growled, running up behind him.

Unfortunately, Grimmjow took matters into his own hands, kicking his rival. He took the hit to the gut with only a grunt, but the impact sent him tumbling back a bit. This was enough for him to crash headfirst into Nnoitra... and impale him on his mask remnants.

"Oh shit," Grimmjow uttered, seeing as the Quinta was staring down in disbelief at his stomach, where Ulquiorra's head currently was. He tried his best to keep his balance, but failed miserably, falling into a seating position. His head was splattered with blood as Nnoitra doubled over and sweared.

"Jirga," Ulquiorra said, trying to remain still. "it would be best if we remained as still as possible until medics arrive."

"Fuck that!" he hissed, grabbing ahold of his mask and pushing the smaller male to the side. This movement just caused Ulquiorra's mask to act as a blade, slicing open his stomach cavity. Along with splattering all those in the general vicinity with crimson, this also caused Nnoitra to loose his lunch. Literally.

"I told you," Ulquiorra said, wiping some stray droplets from his cheek as Nnoitra fell next to him, quickly loosing blood.

"F-Fuck you..." he managed before becoming still.

And so, Nnoitra Jirga died after managing to disembowel himself, traumatizing his adjacent Espada in the process.

* * *

_A/N-_ I felt that this was something that Nnoitra would do if it did somehow happen...


	4. 4- Pretty Fly… For a White Guy

_Disclaimer-_ *sigh* Still don't own anything.

...

Don't Drink the Bleach

-Pretty Fly...For a White Guy

(OP- 12/7/12)

...

An insane giggle echoed oddly in the sideways city. "Wanna bet on how hard he'll get his ass kicked?" the hollow asked, sitting on the edge of a skyscraper and rather enjoying his so called "King's" failure in his current fight.

Zangetsu just sighed, annoyed by the fact that he was being bothered when Ichigo needed him. And by _that_, nonetheless. "Just go back to your realm already. Ichigo does not need you at the moment."

"But he might. An' I wanna have fun. 'sides, ya can't boss me around. It's King's world, not yers. Oh, an' I'm betting he'll get stabbed through. Again."

The sword spirit shifted his footing on his flagpole, his irritation growing with every word. "I'm not playing your games, hollow."

"Aw, come on..."

"No."

"Come _on~,_" the hollow whined, knowing full well that it would annoy him.

"I said no. Now shut up." Zangetsu turned away from the hollow at that point, well and truly tired of his antics. He sneered at him, trying to think of a new way to get him to "play" with him. Then he got an idea.

"Hey, old man!" he shouted, darting towards him. "Tag! You're-"

He never got to finish his sentence.

Zangetsu, already having a migraine at that point, had finally snapped. As the white mocking form ran up to him, he stepped off his flagpole, then grabbed it and smacked the hollow upside the head with it. His eyes widened a bit before he dropped to the ground, blood quickly pooling around his head.

Zangetsu blinked, nudged him with his foot, then shrugged and went off to find another flagpole-adorned building. It wouldn't be that hard.

...

_A/N-_ Well then. That pole's got to have more of a purpose that to make Zangetsu look badass, right? ...No? Okay.

Oh! Suggestions and requests are welcome! (Forgot to put that in the first chapter)

R&R~


	5. 5- Death by Chibi

_A/N_- Hmm... Procrastination, procrastination~ I shall get back to homework after this. And maybe a _bit _more time on a Wikiwalk...

_Disclaimer_- Don't own any copyrighted stuff. Though I probably will in the future...

* * *

Don't Drink the Bleach

-Death by Chibi

(OP- 12/11/12)

...

"Aww, but Captain!"

"No."

"Captain~!"

"I said _no_, Matsumoto. Now get back to work," Toshiro sighed, picking up his brush and trying to block out his lieutenant's whining.

"But Captain! They only have this sale once a year! Let me go! ...Please?" she added, moving in front of him in hope of blocking her mountain of unfinished paperwork from view.

"Civilian clothes are not that important. You almost always wear your uniform anyways. Why would you even need other stuff?"

"It's a lingerie sale. And that hollow broke the only good bra I had left! You know that!"

"...Oh. Well, you still can't go now. Wait until our shift's over. Until then, work on your paperwork," he answered, adding his signature to the bottom of a mission report.

"But it only lasts from noon 'til _four! _Come on! Let me go!"

"For the love of... I said no!"

Rangiku waited for a minute, hoping that he would change his mind. When Toshiro just continued on with his work, she decided to take a different approach. After all, her back really was aching.

"If I set you up on a date with Momo, will you let me go?"

"Momo's my _sister_. That's sick."

"Oh. Well, what about Karin?"

"Who?"

"Um... I'm not really sure," she replied truthfully, scratching her head. "I mean, I thought we knew a Karin... Huh. Must've been a dream. You looked cute in human clothes, though~"

"Matsumoto..."

"Oh, right, right! Um... Ooh! I got it! What about Ne-"

"If you suggest Lieutenant Kurotsuchi, I _will _lock you in here until all of the paperwork is done. I might just do that anyways..."

"So mean~!"

"What are you, Gin?"

"I miss Gin... But I miss shopping more! Come on! It can wait!"

"It's been waiting for months now. The Head Captain is starting to ask questions."

"Well, he should! You're too stingy!"

"I am not."

"Are too! Come on! Come on come on come on come on-"

"Matsumoto..."

_"Come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on-"_

_"Matsumoto..."_

"COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON-"

"MATSUMOTO!" Toshiro shouted, finally losing it. And when Toshiro loses it... well, I think we all know what happens next, right?

...

"To- I mean, Captain Histugaya?" Momo called, pushing open the door to his office. "Captain Hirako sent me to drop these off, and- Oh... my... god. What did you do to Rangiku?!" she screamed, stumbling away from the lieutenant's frozen corpse standing not five feet away from her. Toshiro just looked up from his tea calmly, still seated.

"Oh, good. I was just about to go find someone. You see, there's been a little accident..."

* * *

_A/N-_ Don't mess with the Chibigami. :P

I'm planning on making a chapter reversing these two's roles. Ya gotta wait for the next chapter or so, though!

R&R


	6. 6- The Cleave-Age

_A/N-_ Horrible, horrible pun on this one. Sorry about that. -.-; *goes to bang head against the wall*

_Disclaimer-_ Don't own anything, blah blah blah...

* * *

Don't Drink the Bleach

-The Cleave-Age

(OP- 12/13/12)

-Alternate version of Death by Chibi-

...

"But it only lasts from noon 'til _four! _Come on! Let me go!"

"For the love of... I said no!"

Rangiku waited for a minute, hoping that he would change his mind. When Toshiro just continued on with his work, she decided to take a different approach. After all, her back really was aching.

"Aw, does someone need a hug?" she asked cheerfully, crawling over the desk with outstretched arms, determined to get her captain out of whatever funk he was in.

"What? No! Get back!" Toshiro yelled as Rangiku gave him the biggest bear hug that she could muster, actually lifting him out of the chair in the process.

"There there! I'll cheer you up!"

"Mmmph! Mnf!" Toshiro said from between Rangiku's, er, "great tracks of land". He was well aware of their habit of bringing doom to everyone who came in contact with them. She, apparently, was not.

This went on for a few minutes, with Toshiro's struggles getting weaker and weaker, unbeknownst to Rangiku. Finally, she pulled away, holding him at arm's length.

"There! That wasn't so bad, was it? So can I go, Captain?"

In response, Toshiro's head simply lolled to the side, neck limp along with the rest of his body.

"...Captain?" Rangiku asked uncertainly, giving him a small shake. "Captain? Um, you can wake up now..."

Just then, Momo opened the door. "Oh, good, Rangiku. Captain Hirako wanted me to drop these off for him, and... Um, is Shiro-chan okay...?"

She didn't answer, looking from her suffocated captain to the lieutenant in a stupefied manner. Momo repeated her childhood friend's name a few times before she screamed.

"SHIRO-CHAN!"

"It was the boobs! I swear!"

* * *

_A/N-_ You know that it had to happen someday, right?

R&R~


	7. 7- ROFLMDAO

_A/N-_ I'm back~! And with a new laptop, too! My other one died... Well, at least I still had archives and stuff.

_Disclaimer_- I don't own Bleach.

...

Don't Drink the Bleach

-ROFLMDAO

(OP- 2/11/13)

-Requested by MiracleAngel500-

...

Grimmjow was on the ground, clutching his sides and gasping for air in between laughs. Aizen and Ulquiorra just looked on from the doorway, at a loss for words.

"...I see. And just how long has he been like this, Ulquiorra?" Aizen finally asked as the Sexta tried and failed to stand, his laughs seemingly never ending.

"Approximately six hours," he answered, remaining as stoic as ever.

"And why have I only just been informed?"

"He only stopped interesting me an hour ago, Aizen-sama."

"Only stopped... Were you staring at him for _five hours straight?!"_

Ulquiorra blinked once and did nothing else, just staring up at his leader blankly.

"...Forget I asked," Aizen sighed, running his hand through his hair._ Of course_ Ulquiorra would just stare at him. As far as he could tell, it was a hobby of his. Aizen opened his mouth to say something, then hesitated. it took him a moment to realize why.

It was just too quiet... Grimmjow had stopped his laughter. Permanently.

"...Did he just _die _laughing?" Aizen asked after sensing the sudden lack of pissed off reiatsu streaming throughout the room.

"Now do you understand why I do not do it?" Ulquiorra asked, completely devoid of any sign of surprise.

Aizen thought about answering this hypothetical question for only a moment before deciding to forget about it. He did have to go find a new Sexta Espada, after all.

...

_A/N-_ Decoded chapter title- _rolling on the floor laughing my dying ass off._ (I really hate chatspeak... but it was the only thing I could think of.)

So there. A (very late) new chapter for the new year. Really short, I know. I might post another, if I can get it typed. Unfortunately, I'm caught up in a lot of school work this week... and I have to go in for surgery on Wednesday. DX  
Well, at least I get to be high on loopy gas. If I write or post anything really weird in the days following then, I'm sorry.

R&R~


	8. 8- God vs OHMYGODWTF

_A/N_- SURPRISE! A new chapter! :D I actually wrote this a while ago, but I never got to typing it. So there. I'm not being a lazy bum now! Well, maybe a bit, seeing as none of my ongoing stories besides this have been updated in... God, almost a year now. Wow. Well, I am planning on getting something special up soon, so... yeah. Hopefully, it'll be up by the end of summer.

...Yeah. I'm a failure. XD *goes to mope in corner*

**WARNING-** This chapter contains faux-rituals, EXTREME crack, and a _very _pissed C-  
*SHHHHHHHK*  
...Yeah. _It _does not respect me. :/

...

Don't Drink the Bleach

-God vs. OHMYGODWTF

(O.P.- 6/14/13)

...

Aizen, now in his new, unbeatable form, was slowly approaching the small group of humans who had somehow managed to wake, thoroughly enjoying their panic. They had given up on running a long while ago, finally realizing how pointless it was, though they were still backing up and looking for a chance to flee.

How pitiful.

The girl with the messy black hair said something to one of her companions, who responded in a nearly incoherent babbling. The redhead whimpered slightly and hid behind the other boy in the group, who looked from her to the approaching figure, slightly unnerved.

Aizen smiled. Good. He knew he was going to die and had accepted it. The Kurosaki boy should find what _they_ would be in a few moments _quite_ interesting. Now...

"BWAHAHAHA!"

"Wha...?" one of the children said as they all looked up towards the roof of a nearby building, Aizen and the accompanying Gin mimicking the movement curiously.

"Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding me..." the black-haired girl groaned, instantly recognizing the newcomer.

"Spirits are always with you!" the superhero-type man yelled, striking a heroic pose.

"Seriously?" Tatsuki asked, voicing everyone's inner thoughts.

"Um... Is that...?" Chizuru asked, pointing as Keigo started to fanboy and Mizuiro attempted to take a picture with his slightly scuffed phone. Tatsuki just shook her head.

"Yes. Who are you? Better yet, _what_ are you? Human? Shinigami?" Aizen asked, taking new interest in the odd man who had managed to break whatever hold he had had on the school children.

"You don't know who I am?" he asked, flabbergasted. "I am the great Don Kanonji, mentor of children everywhere!"

Aizen simply started at him, for once at a loss for something to say. Behind him, Gin giggled, apparently sensing his confusion.

Tatsuki snorted. "Yeah right. Oi, Kanonji! Are you going to try and fight this guy?"

"Fight?" Don Kanonji asked. "Oh, no no no! I've discovered a far better way than fighting!"

Aizen smiled. "Oh? And that is?"

Don Kanonji reached into his pocket with a flourish and pulled out... a piece of chalk?

"Chalk?" Aizen scoffed, unimpressed. "Honestly, you must be insane to think that... What are you drawing?"

"Looks like a pentagram," Gin noted, tilting his head and smiling. Keigo looked over at him and shivered.

"I can see that," he responded. "I want to know _why._"

"That's not what you said."

"Gin..."

The man shrugged, smile still in place as Don Kanonji stood. The odd looking pentagram (it incorporated a heart) and foreign script surrounding it was complete, standing out on the pavement in startling white. He then reached back into his pockets and threw his hands into the air- rubber chicken in one, ketchup bottle in the other- and began to chant.

"O, great creator of all things wretched, wrong, and epically narmy, please descend on this oh so incapible world! Please help in the path to righteousness and redemption! Help us and bring your unsightable arms down on the enemy!"

"Is "unsightable" even a word?" Keigo asked as Kanonji continued with his rant-prayer, causing the chalk designs to glow with energy. Tatsuki shushed him and glanced back at Gin, who was using the momentary distraction to move over to them, unnoticed by Aizen.

Don Kanonji barked something in an ancient-sounding language, then threw the chicken and the ketchup down and cried, "O great Cthulhu! Rise, great one! Rise!"

There was a flash as the items hit the ground. The air turned thick with a new presence as a large shadow descended over the group.

"Cover yer eyes, kiddies," Gin advised, looking down. They did so, despite the man's shady exterior, hoping that the advice wouldn't get them killed. An ear splitting shriek cut through the air soon after, followed by a sickening _crack_. An ancient, almost maddening growl cut through the air as it seemed to almost bend and twist around all those present.

"Oh,thank you! Thank you, Great Creator!" Don Kanonji cheered as another flash ensued.

"Ya can look up now," the shinigami said, poking Keigo's shoulder and giggling at the resulting flinching.

"Um... What just happened?" Chizuru asked, looking down at the spot where Aizen had previously been standing not five seconds earlier. There was nothing left there other than some scuffs and a little bit of scorched ground.

"We were saved!" Don Kanonji cheered, rejoicing in the apparent victory.

"...Do we _want _to know?" Mizuiro asked the carefree Gin.

"Nah. Probably not. But I do wanna know how he managed to summon 'hulhu. I wanna do that!"

...

_A/N_- Yes. Cthulhu killing Aizen. It needs to happen! *slams fists down onto table*

R&R


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